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By Lyndsie Robinson. By Amanda Chatel. By Amy Horton. By Kate Ferguson. By Sarah Burke. By Averi Clements. Search Search for:.

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A new girl crew or their next BFF. Why not stop and actually get to know one of them? Make the extra effort to pay attention and then create the relationship.

As you know Evan, it takes two to tango and someone usually takes the lead. Perhaps you seek friendships where your BFF pursues you. Calls you.

Maintains the contact. Rather than putting that responsibility and obligation on you. My situation is very different.

You give so much of yourself to your craft, your passion and GIFT for writing, your love for your wife and family, that your relationship to your already very few guy friends has taken the hit.

I believe you can have exactly the kind of relationship you occasionally crave with a dude whenever you choose it. Men bonds are inherently different from that of women.

One good example of this is the huge gap between discussions of intimacy or sexual practices. Many exchanges between women, overheard or quoted by a then partner, reach appalling levels of detail.

Getting together to watch a game serves a purpose, but a very limited one. The exchange is innocuous, has little depth or detail, and merely addresses a need for presence.

A veneer of togetherness. Ever heard the saying that true friends can pick up and catch up no matter how much time has elapsed since their last contact?

This can be largely true, but may remain exceedingly superficial. In men, as in women, different personalities define limitations.

Soul-baring is not for everyone. Intellectual analysis is the realm of a few. Go back to The Big Chill.

The movie reveals how people used to relate. The crux of the friendship nucleus may still be there. Shared events, history, views, training, and fondness, or a kind of love.

You feel they went off in the wrong direction or got derailed. A very personal take, often missing MUCH detail. Tried to do something, and failed?

My be held against you. May be just as bad. Achieving neither more nor less than your former peers? That may please everyone. Thousands of similarly qualified people may get dumped on the sidewalk simultaneously, and other corporations also downsize.

I have the advantage of being multicultural. This is largely reflected in most anglo-saxon spots. Efforts to maintain contact do little to alleviate the problem.

With progressive Americanization, this aspect has taken a serious hit. This aspect also means that we seem to recommend being a fair-weather friend.

Repeated contacts that feel unidirectional? Or never echoed? We do account for differences. One friend will never call.

We get together for lunch, the exchange is very open. There ARE generational differences. Keep in mind that we hear, see, feel, and adequately perceive that people really are more isolated than ever before as they disappear in their chosen virtual reality.

There are reasons. This has been the age group disparity. I have loved. Taken your advice heart and soul. Much of your advice is for younger years.

My peer group of men? If they are monied in any way? At 60? Think they deserve a woman of forty. I am finding the old axiom of nurse or a purse to be prevalent.

It would wreck me. As would disappointment. So I just have stopped dating this last year. Meetup groups changed my life!

This organization is in every city and has every activity you want! So start one! Join one! Participate in one or more…. Meetup groups are better for people who are extroverts.

Extroverts need to socialize. I personally know four men in my world…oops…make that five who are lonely. They are all individual, different backgrounds, good men but are lonely.

ALL of them feel the pressure to succeed with work. All of them liked being with a female but four out of five are single.

I know loneliness myself so I try to be supportive. I wish they could see it. I then realized he suffers from depression and either refuses or is incapable of doing anything to recover.

I tried to help, tried to be supportive and loving, but nothing I did was good enough. He finally sent me divorce papers last week. I totally have seen this and agree that we should reach out to our single male friends.

I think I understand why; it seems to be exhausting for them to create strong bonds with women that they know might pull away a little once the woman finds love.

But it still hurts me when they pull away. All of this to say, the article says to text or reach out to our male friends because chances are no one else has recently, but my question is how do we show friendship and love without a male friend later pulling away?

Now I know this is just case specific and I have tons of male friends that are there no matter what, but there seems to be a threshold regarding the closeness of our friendship.

Thanks for your advice and response in advance! Seems like present-day men could use an updated version of that. They were sued for not allowing women.

Well, that is the point; to have men only. Men are different when women are not around. That is what happened with that.

I have no doubt that there are many lonely women out there, as there are many lonely men. Yet notwithstanding that, I do believe this to be a gendered issue — not so much as to loneliness itself, but rather the reasons WHY a given individual is lonely.

I know many lonely women. Women who never married, whose old friends all married and with whom they now have little in common.

Women whose lifestyle diverged from that of their old friends and lost the friendships. I know many lonely men.

Men who lost contact with their old friends, who got busy with their families and jobs, who invested all their emotional capital into their wives and subsequently divorced.

I personally fit into this category, though like Evan, my life is full with my wife, kids, and the broad social network that my wife provides.

But if I were to lose that, I would be very lonely indeed. And all the insight in the world will not change the fact that some fundamental instinct is lacking in me and in the men I know that my wife and all her female friends seem to possess.

An instinct to tend and befriend. Nor am I suggesting that I have it all figured out. One of my oldest and dearest friends told me that she no longer had anything in common with me now that I was divorced.

She felt if we remained friends, her own marriage might suffer. I was puzzled by this odd conversation because our friendship consisted of daily phone calls and getting together for lunch or shopping.

So now, she calls every 3 or 4 months and we catch up for about 20 minutes until the next time she calls.

Out of my group of friends that remained, all but two are married. I have every other weekend to myself. I have every opportunity to make plans and sometimes I do.

Yet there are many times I lack the initiative. Moving on to men…. I am absolutely certain you are correct when you say lonely men lack initiative and no doubt there are lots of lonely men.

But what about those men who prioritize their friendships over their marriage and family? I live in the south and a lot of men here love to hunt.

Then deer season ends and quail or duck season or something else begins. Guys who are very extroverted — the ones who were very popular in high school and maintained all their friendships throughout the years and still get together for weekly basketball games 30 years later.

Because for those guys, extroversion is their instinctive behavior — they recharge by being with people. And if they are stressed and need to withdraw, they do it with their friends rather than alone.

Sometimes a guy who looks like he is trying to connect with friends is actually trying to escape his life. And sometimes the guy who lacks initiative to engage with friends does so because engaging with his family takes everything he has.

Answer to all of these questions — because unless we can link un-instinctive behavior to immediate instinctive rewards, most people lack the wherewithal to overcome their inclinations in the long-term.

Did you have male friends in high school and college? Buddies you hung out with before you met your wife?

You say you lack the instinct to tend and befriend though from what Evan wrote to Barbara, it sounds like he has the instinct , but did you ever have it?

I work with a lot of middle-aged, married guys and many seem to have no interest in friendship. Their lives revolve around their wives, who act as for lack of a better description their life cruise directors.

Their wives make all the social plans and keep up their social network which sometimes barely involves his family as well as dictate their chores on the weekends.

He barely makes an effort to keep up with his own family, so they get ignored because his wife is not facilitating those relationships for him. I had friends, but not the close type of friendships that Evan described he had.

At every stage of my life I had friends and slowly lost contact with them. Most of the men I know are the same. The difference is stark. When men are stressed they withdraw.

Though it makes me uncomfortable, what would happen if I reached out? A true support system that fought through the stigma men face in demonstrating emotion, in reaching out, in wanting to have friends.

There is so much depression out there that men face, so much that it leads to high rates of suicide.

And of course we women will do what we can, but you guys need to take the lead here. Seems that you guys need to reread the Dependency Paradox in the Attached book.

I expect my partner to depend on me in certain ways and for me to provide things for her and I expect that she will do the same. Also I practice what I preach in my relationships.

My boyfriend has many male friends who he had before I came into the picture and who he goes and hangs out with still now.

I too have my own friends who I spend time with and he does likewise. Having some independence and not wholly relying on the other person IS healthy.

Especially when so many men refuse to return it in kind witness YAG for example who utterly refuses to be emotionally supportive in a relationship.

In other words: doing double duty and getting half as much. Well … Jeremy has written extensively about the fact that a man needs a woman to respect and admire him.

For me, personally, I cannot respect someone who requires so much emotionally. I thought I remember you got out and about and were open to meeting new people.

It sounds like you have built a life and hope to add a partner to it. I think you have to create a life that someone else would want to be part of.

Part of that advantage can definitely include having a spouse who brings with them and maintains a social support network that benefits both spouses as individuals.

Social support, in this sense, is just as important of a skill to bring to a marriage as money or social clout.

But it can become a huge issue for a man when the marriage splits and the social support system he relied on was something his wife brought into the relationship.

Take a quiz and find out here. According to John Cacioppo , a neuroscientist and psychologist at the University of Chicago, feeling lonely can cause you to believe that your social skills are poor.

Moreover, you can start to become anxious and shy in social settings. In short, whether or not people are really rejecting you or not, your loneliness can cause you to believe that they are.

When you scare or push away women, you validate that your social skills are poor and your anxiety and shyness can increase, making this a never-ending circle of loneliness.

It really is about quality. It is not really necessary for happiness and connection in life. Yes, it would be nice, but your life can be happy and fulfilled without a girlfriend.

When you stop beating yourself up, you can at least start to talk to yourself in a more positive way and build up yourself esteem rather than knocking it down.

When that happens, you will have an easier time going out and putting your social skills to work for you.

This is true for anything.

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